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Oct. 6th, 2020 at 4:04 PM
Who: Groot & Old Lace (and eventually Molly)
What: Fight Gremlins
When: After Gert reported them missing
Status: Complete
Note: For your reading convenience, all Groot has been translated to English.
Warnings: So much bad language. This is why Peter and Gamora are always yelling at their sprout about his mouth.
Old Lace put her snout to the ground, inhaled deeply and then reared back, roaring her fury towards the foul little beast who had first taken food from Gertrude and than transformed itself from something soft and gentle to something that reminded her of Albertonykus. It had snapped at Gert, making her eyes well up with tears.
When the little sapling had jumped up on her back, screeching “IAMGROOOOOOOT”, Old Lace’s poor girl had not understood what Lace had heard clear as day. She knew instantly what the sapling meant.
Gert had opened the door to the apartment, hoping that the little beast would just run away. She had not calculated on the fact that both theropod and tree had already made a pact to exact vengeance. The moment the scaly little jerk had skittered out the door, Old Lace, the little sapling sitting firmly on top her head, little roots wrapped around her head and neck were in hot pursuit.
“That asshole thinks it can fucking attack your mom?!” Groot asked Lace. Groot knew his mom could beat up literally everyone else in this whole solar system at least, but Lace’s mom needed them to take care of her. That’s what his mom had definitely said when she dropped him off. It was his responsibility as a fucking Guardian of the Galaxy to defeat the enemy of his best friend’s mom, and when his dad was being uncool, he said that their responsibility to guard the galaxy was pretty fucking important. Dad still said fucking even when he was being uncool. Mom, not so much... she only said fuck when Dad made her mad.
“Get the fucker, Lace!” Groot started growing vines, getting ready to make a lasso to grab the critter as they careened down the stairs to the ground floor after it. The stairwell door on the floor below was propped open, and suddenly a dozen more of the asshole’s even uglier siblings came running onto the landing, making piercing screaming noises when they saw the dinosaur and tree barrelling down on them. A few ran away. One climbed up on the railing and started to slide down, and one brave one decided to attack.
Groot swung his vine lasso, wrapping it around the monster, and pulled it off the ground in front of Old Lace. “Are you hungry? Maybe they taste bad?”
“Those little mammalfuckers are going to learn that you mess with someone’s mom and we will END you.” Lace sent the thought into Groot’s head and then said politely, “I’ll try a bite.” She crunched down on the still squealing Gremlin. It tasted vaguely of dumpster, with hints of sulpher and moldy jock strap. It was DELICIOUS.
“Groot, Those little fuckers are fucking YUMMY”. She galloped down the hall, head low to the ground as she snapped her teeth at the fleeing Gremlins. Lace skidded to a stop, swinging her tail around sending three of the little beasts flying into a wall. She noticed that cowering in the corner was a fuzzy little furry thing, she knew Gert would have loved to snuggle. Then she remembered that Gert was the dumbass who fed one when it looked just like this. “Groot, get that fuzzy little bastard, he’s trying to fake us out.”
Groot stared down the fuzzy creature, sharpening the end of a vine in his mouth, before growing it into a tree sword point to stab the bastard. “Don’t fuckin’ try to be cuter than me, you punkass bitch,” he screamed, as the little creature began to cry in pain. He slashed downward, just like his mom did on big dumbfuck monsters when she could be having dance parties with him,, leaving a giant gaping gash with gremlin intestines spilling out.
“Let’s ride….” he said to Lacey, shedding the vine like fall leaves and sharpening another to slash the head off a gremlin. It went flying and Old Lace snapped it up easily out of the air. “When we’re done, dance party?”
“Ride or die, my friend,”. Old Lace wasn't sure what the term meant, but Chase had said it, so she was sure that it was good. Faintly, she heard Gert calling out for her. She wasn't sure what to do to block out Gert, until Groot said, “dance party”. Old Lace remembered when they had had Molly’s Quincenera. She remembered everyone laughing and swaying to the music. Lace liked music.
“Groot, we can sing while we kill these little assholes! Death and dance party! Lace began to sing.
“I am Groot-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-oot!” Groot sang along loudly, thinking that Old Lace had the BEST ideas ever! He lassoed another monster as they sprinted into the parking garage, and started beating it repeatedly against the side of a silver Audi with an “IRONMAN 12” license plate, leaving a pattern of Gremlin head sized dents with increasingly bloody streaks across the side. He finally threw the battered corpse across the length of the garage, where it landed with a squelch.
“Lacey, I want new badass weapons, my dad keeps sharp pointy things in a big metal box like that!” He pointed at a large tool box near the office. As they ran toward it he asked, “Hey Lace, where’s your dad? Was he an asshole to your mom?”
“Grootski, I was hatched. Dads being assholes is a tree/ humanoid/ mammal thing. When you hatch outta the egg, you usually have a mom. I had Dale and Stacy. They were Gert and Molly's parents. They were BOTH assholes.” Lace ripped the top of the tool box off and then used her fore feet to knock it completely over.
Lace’s eyes were first drawn to a tub of small shiny stainless steel balls. But then she saw IT. She grabbed it with her long clawed fingers and swung it experimentally, it hit the car with a satisfying thud.”
“Groot, look at this badass son of a bitch! I'm going fucking Mario on these bitches!” She bounced from one leg to the other as she waited for Groot to load up.
Groot wrapped his vines around the tub of ball bearings and pulled it onto his lap, deciding if he couldn’t have his dad’s blaster, slingshotting these at the assholes would work. “Let’s go kick some ass!” He twined two vines into a slingshot and took aim at the nearest Gremlin, making pew pew pew noises until it fell down.
Moving on to the next scaly creature, he decided Lace needed some education on moms. “Lacey, assholes that hatch eggs are not moms. I sprouted off my old dead growed up self, so if that’s a mom I’d be my own fuckin’ mom. Your mom is the person who gives you hugs and tells you you’re not big enough to swear and makes sure that your dad puts food in the fridge and not just beer. And she says ‘I love you all the way to a hundred galaxies and back’ and other cheesy shit like that. And your dad is the person who lets you eat yummy snacks instead of dinner and teaches you to shoot stuff and land your ship and all the swear words. And he wants to kiss your mom all the time even though kissing is disgusting. Where’s that dad?” He shot another Gremlin, the ball bearings ricocheting all around the garage, pinging against a dozen different very shiny, very expensive cars.
Old Lace screeched to a stop, “Groot, I think Gert is trying to be my mom….but no one kisses my mom, not since Chase. Groot, we need to yippie ki yay these sons a bitches because we need to get back to my mom! She's going to fuck me up forever if we don't save her from her dumbass self!”
Lace had difficulty actually hitting anything with the giant wrench, but she still enjoyed wielding it like a scepter as she stomped her way through another four gremlins, “GROOTDootDootDeeDoot, you gotta pew pew that asshole.” She gestured towards the other stair access door.
“You’re right, let’s finish these mofos, so we can make plans for our new badass mission. You need gross pervy parents, who tell you you have to knock because they are taking each other's clothes off literally every single day. We gotta find you a Chase.” Groot started whipping metal balls at the remaining gremlins, who were in full retreat at the moment. “You can't get away from us bitches!!” He screamed, then resumed pew pew pew noises until he ran out of ammo to throw.
He reached out, grabbing the last gremlin standing with a long vine and tossed it high in the air. “Catch, Lacey!”
Lace opened her mouth and caught the squealing Gremlin with a satisfying crunch. “Groot, I’m like SCOOBYFUCKINGDOO!”
Molly had been following the sounds of Dino roars and IAMGROOTs through the building. She couldn’t manage to catch up with them, but was pretty impressed with the swath of destruction they left in their path, including a gutted Gizmo, a few severed gremlin limbs with what looked suspiciously like Old Lace saliva on them, and several sharpened vines.
They sounded closer as she finally entered the parking garage, where she stepped carefully after almost falling on her ass when her food landed on a ball bearing. “OMG, Mr. Stark might kill us,” she whispered, not sure whether to be horrified or impressed at the row of dented sports cars.
“Lacey? Groot?” She called out, “You in here? Looks like you guys don’t need a human assist after all”
What: Fight Gremlins
When: After Gert reported them missing
Status: Complete
Note: For your reading convenience, all Groot has been translated to English.
Warnings: So much bad language. This is why Peter and Gamora are always yelling at their sprout about his mouth.
Old Lace put her snout to the ground, inhaled deeply and then reared back, roaring her fury towards the foul little beast who had first taken food from Gertrude and than transformed itself from something soft and gentle to something that reminded her of Albertonykus. It had snapped at Gert, making her eyes well up with tears.
When the little sapling had jumped up on her back, screeching “IAMGROOOOOOOT”, Old Lace’s poor girl had not understood what Lace had heard clear as day. She knew instantly what the sapling meant.
Gert had opened the door to the apartment, hoping that the little beast would just run away. She had not calculated on the fact that both theropod and tree had already made a pact to exact vengeance. The moment the scaly little jerk had skittered out the door, Old Lace, the little sapling sitting firmly on top her head, little roots wrapped around her head and neck were in hot pursuit.
“That asshole thinks it can fucking attack your mom?!” Groot asked Lace. Groot knew his mom could beat up literally everyone else in this whole solar system at least, but Lace’s mom needed them to take care of her. That’s what his mom had definitely said when she dropped him off. It was his responsibility as a fucking Guardian of the Galaxy to defeat the enemy of his best friend’s mom, and when his dad was being uncool, he said that their responsibility to guard the galaxy was pretty fucking important. Dad still said fucking even when he was being uncool. Mom, not so much... she only said fuck when Dad made her mad.
“Get the fucker, Lace!” Groot started growing vines, getting ready to make a lasso to grab the critter as they careened down the stairs to the ground floor after it. The stairwell door on the floor below was propped open, and suddenly a dozen more of the asshole’s even uglier siblings came running onto the landing, making piercing screaming noises when they saw the dinosaur and tree barrelling down on them. A few ran away. One climbed up on the railing and started to slide down, and one brave one decided to attack.
Groot swung his vine lasso, wrapping it around the monster, and pulled it off the ground in front of Old Lace. “Are you hungry? Maybe they taste bad?”
“Those little mammalfuckers are going to learn that you mess with someone’s mom and we will END you.” Lace sent the thought into Groot’s head and then said politely, “I’ll try a bite.” She crunched down on the still squealing Gremlin. It tasted vaguely of dumpster, with hints of sulpher and moldy jock strap. It was DELICIOUS.
“Groot, Those little fuckers are fucking YUMMY”. She galloped down the hall, head low to the ground as she snapped her teeth at the fleeing Gremlins. Lace skidded to a stop, swinging her tail around sending three of the little beasts flying into a wall. She noticed that cowering in the corner was a fuzzy little furry thing, she knew Gert would have loved to snuggle. Then she remembered that Gert was the dumbass who fed one when it looked just like this. “Groot, get that fuzzy little bastard, he’s trying to fake us out.”
Groot stared down the fuzzy creature, sharpening the end of a vine in his mouth, before growing it into a tree sword point to stab the bastard. “Don’t fuckin’ try to be cuter than me, you punkass bitch,” he screamed, as the little creature began to cry in pain. He slashed downward, just like his mom did on big dumbfuck monsters when she could be having dance parties with him,, leaving a giant gaping gash with gremlin intestines spilling out.
“Let’s ride….” he said to Lacey, shedding the vine like fall leaves and sharpening another to slash the head off a gremlin. It went flying and Old Lace snapped it up easily out of the air. “When we’re done, dance party?”
“Ride or die, my friend,”. Old Lace wasn't sure what the term meant, but Chase had said it, so she was sure that it was good. Faintly, she heard Gert calling out for her. She wasn't sure what to do to block out Gert, until Groot said, “dance party”. Old Lace remembered when they had had Molly’s Quincenera. She remembered everyone laughing and swaying to the music. Lace liked music.
“Groot, we can sing while we kill these little assholes! Death and dance party! Lace began to sing.
“I am Groot-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-oot!” Groot sang along loudly, thinking that Old Lace had the BEST ideas ever! He lassoed another monster as they sprinted into the parking garage, and started beating it repeatedly against the side of a silver Audi with an “IRONMAN 12” license plate, leaving a pattern of Gremlin head sized dents with increasingly bloody streaks across the side. He finally threw the battered corpse across the length of the garage, where it landed with a squelch.
“Lacey, I want new badass weapons, my dad keeps sharp pointy things in a big metal box like that!” He pointed at a large tool box near the office. As they ran toward it he asked, “Hey Lace, where’s your dad? Was he an asshole to your mom?”
“Grootski, I was hatched. Dads being assholes is a tree/ humanoid/ mammal thing. When you hatch outta the egg, you usually have a mom. I had Dale and Stacy. They were Gert and Molly's parents. They were BOTH assholes.” Lace ripped the top of the tool box off and then used her fore feet to knock it completely over.
Lace’s eyes were first drawn to a tub of small shiny stainless steel balls. But then she saw IT. She grabbed it with her long clawed fingers and swung it experimentally, it hit the car with a satisfying thud.”
“Groot, look at this badass son of a bitch! I'm going fucking Mario on these bitches!” She bounced from one leg to the other as she waited for Groot to load up.
Groot wrapped his vines around the tub of ball bearings and pulled it onto his lap, deciding if he couldn’t have his dad’s blaster, slingshotting these at the assholes would work. “Let’s go kick some ass!” He twined two vines into a slingshot and took aim at the nearest Gremlin, making pew pew pew noises until it fell down.
Moving on to the next scaly creature, he decided Lace needed some education on moms. “Lacey, assholes that hatch eggs are not moms. I sprouted off my old dead growed up self, so if that’s a mom I’d be my own fuckin’ mom. Your mom is the person who gives you hugs and tells you you’re not big enough to swear and makes sure that your dad puts food in the fridge and not just beer. And she says ‘I love you all the way to a hundred galaxies and back’ and other cheesy shit like that. And your dad is the person who lets you eat yummy snacks instead of dinner and teaches you to shoot stuff and land your ship and all the swear words. And he wants to kiss your mom all the time even though kissing is disgusting. Where’s that dad?” He shot another Gremlin, the ball bearings ricocheting all around the garage, pinging against a dozen different very shiny, very expensive cars.
Old Lace screeched to a stop, “Groot, I think Gert is trying to be my mom….but no one kisses my mom, not since Chase. Groot, we need to yippie ki yay these sons a bitches because we need to get back to my mom! She's going to fuck me up forever if we don't save her from her dumbass self!”
Lace had difficulty actually hitting anything with the giant wrench, but she still enjoyed wielding it like a scepter as she stomped her way through another four gremlins, “GROOTDootDootDeeDoot, you gotta pew pew that asshole.” She gestured towards the other stair access door.
“You’re right, let’s finish these mofos, so we can make plans for our new badass mission. You need gross pervy parents, who tell you you have to knock because they are taking each other's clothes off literally every single day. We gotta find you a Chase.” Groot started whipping metal balls at the remaining gremlins, who were in full retreat at the moment. “You can't get away from us bitches!!” He screamed, then resumed pew pew pew noises until he ran out of ammo to throw.
He reached out, grabbing the last gremlin standing with a long vine and tossed it high in the air. “Catch, Lacey!”
Lace opened her mouth and caught the squealing Gremlin with a satisfying crunch. “Groot, I’m like SCOOBYFUCKINGDOO!”
Molly had been following the sounds of Dino roars and IAMGROOTs through the building. She couldn’t manage to catch up with them, but was pretty impressed with the swath of destruction they left in their path, including a gutted Gizmo, a few severed gremlin limbs with what looked suspiciously like Old Lace saliva on them, and several sharpened vines.
They sounded closer as she finally entered the parking garage, where she stepped carefully after almost falling on her ass when her food landed on a ball bearing. “OMG, Mr. Stark might kill us,” she whispered, not sure whether to be horrified or impressed at the row of dented sports cars.
“Lacey? Groot?” She called out, “You in here? Looks like you guys don’t need a human assist after all”